October 2010
Doing A Dissertation Whilst Dodging Death Is Definitely Difficult To Do
“It’s hard to get people to fill in questionnaires normally, but when your subject is being fired on by Al Qaeda, you can forget about it”

November 2010
Wherein I Save Fashion
“It’s gotten so bad that nowadays I can’t help but wish for the return of the white vest so that John McClane can dive through the window of Topshop’s head office and dispense some machine gun-shaped justice”

January 2011
3 Things You Didn’t Expect To Ever Happen (That Did)
“The really big question though over all this though? When did Pokemon get so badass?”

New Weirdworm Article: The 5 Most Ridiculous iPhone Glitches Ever
“The irony that they were only in this situation because they downloaded an official Apple program was apparently lost on them”

February 2011
Diary Excerpts From The (Brief) Time I Spent As An Assassin
“My knowledge of Vietnam-era mantraps has surprised even myself”

New Weirdworm Article: 4 Celebrity Items Auctioned For Ridiculous Amounts
“Imagine you were a celebrity and all your good roles and gigs had been and gone, leaving you to scrape at the very bottom of the barrel in order to earn some cash”

New Weirdworm Article: The 4 Weirdest Video Game Conspiracy Theories Ever
“The only thing that could quench the bloodshed? A carefully-worded press release from Sony explaining the situation. Or, we could all just blame Saddam Hussein, the apparent Pink Panther to the UN’s Inspector Clouseau”

March 2011
“OK, so I know updates have been sparse on the ground lately, but I’m back!”

3 Ways My Day Job Could Be Much Worse
“Everyone needs to relax and take their eye off the ball once in a while, especially at a place where you’re constantly surrounded by knives, hot surfaces, and boiling fat.”

April 2011
New Cracked Article: 8 Terrifying Skeletons of Adorable Animals
“Now we’re sure of two things: #1. God absolutely does exist. #2. He’s easily the best horror writer working today.”

May 2011
Wherein I Deconstruct Episode 1 of The Apprentice
“Holy shit, was that, like, Karen’s bread or something? Man, she’s got ninety-nine problems today, and they all to do with the bitches on the other side of the table”

July 2011
Wherein I Revisit The (Terrifying) Archives of the COI: Part 1
“But, kids are sociopathic little bundles of hatred, spit and downloadable ringtones; how on earth did the COI manage to get them to listen to the messages of each advert? Simple. Fill them full of imagery intended to cause the little abominations to suffer nothing less than a full-blown psychotic breakdown.”

August 2011
New Cracked Article! The 5 Weirdest Things That Influence How Your Food Tastes
“The one sense you’d think you could trust is taste; nobody is going to convince you that a hamburger is apple pie. But, as with the other four senses, your taste is manipulated by a whole bunch of factors outside of your control. Like…”

How Shapes Can Also Influence How Your Food Tastes
“Today, dinnertime just isn’t an event to be enjoyed as a family unit, it’s also an opportunity to give nature a massive hug”

September 2011
The Lament of the Wannabe Inventor
“So, why aren’t I out inventing the next big thing? Well, for a start, it’s not because I’m not qualified; years of studying at university has left me well-versed in how to spend hours doodling, watching old science-fiction shows, and not earning any money”

New Cracked Article! 6 Military Units Whose Training Would Traumatise Rambo
“If you haven’t guessed by their names, special operations forces are all
about finding men who can perform wartime tasks above and beyond those performed  by the average soldier. So how do you train somebody to survive the
unsurvivable? Well, let’s just say you have to think outside the box.”

Revealed: Why The SAS Are So Badass
“The key to this whole thing is realism: the process is meant to simulate what would potentially happen to an SAS man after being captured by a very pissed off group of enemies who may have just had their arms caches and headquarters blown up by you and your pals”


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